What if preparing for death ahead of time is the catalyst we need to live the lives we are capable of?
Alive for Now is a 12-week guide to prepare for death before there is an urgent need to do so
Book Reviews
Some books about death are a slog. This one isn't. It uses the awareness of death to point one towards seeing the brightest path to life. Clear concise chapters followed by valuable practices at the end of each.
Anonymous (đ)
...its simplicity, directness, clear organizational structure, and complete lack of pretentiousness that make it an easy-to-use tool that may prove to be of immense value to those with the courage to use it.
dr. Greg lagoy (R.I.P. â¤ď¸đđ)
Alive for now is not a book about death. It is a book about life and evaluating if you are living your best life. While that sounds like a huge task, what I love about most about this book is that it gives the reader straightforward weekly practices to address the things that matter most in life.
Robin murby (mom â¤ď¸)
About the Author
Jessica Murby unexpectedly discovered the benefits of using death as a teacher through her experiences of working in the hospital and hospice settings, as well as her personal journey of having a rare life-threatening health condition. Jessica currently lives in New England and shares this work through zoom, public speaking, podcasts, workshops, and retreats.
Blog
The Lie
Why do we say / act as if weâre good all the time? Iâm not convinced that thatâs the whole story. A participant in one of my workshops pointed out that he usually gives the âhighlight reelâ when someone asks how his weekend was, he said, âI donât tell them about the 12 hours I spent depressed in bed watching Netflix, I just tell them the good stuff.â My co-facilitator and I immediately broke out into that âknowing laughterâ upon him admitting this. It was like he broke the social norm and said the taboo thing re: his own sadness, and in turn we felt incredibly relieved and connected. Lately, Iâve been wondering a lot about this phenomenon, my question is, what does it potentially do to others when we hide that sad part? What if the person asking also spent 12 hours in bed depressed and they go on thinking everyone elseâs life is so great as they share their highlight reel as well and hide the rest?
I got high by accident the other night- I won't go into the details of how it happened but I will say itâs a very different experience to be high without knowing youâre high. And something happened that was familiar yet so easy to forget when Iâm feeling good⌠itâs that old voice that comes in and gives all the examples of what a piece of shit I am. All the things suddenly flood in to feel shame, regret, etc. about, displaying all of the evidence piece by piece. It was hard to believe anything else was true.
I asked a few therapists that I know about this⌠is it typical for people to struggle with these thoughts? With this voice? Is that what weâre all referring to when we mention the horrific thoughts that comes in at night when weâre trying to sleep? They all confirmed this is incredibly common. I asked another few friends for confirmation as I was recovering from my âbeing high without knowing I was highâ experience (btw, theyâd hinted at it in moments in the past, but mostly have just given glimpses, likely for fear of being âfound outâ as well) these friends confirmed these feelings, the insecurities and worries took slightly different forms depending on their deepest source of pain, but overall, they sounded the same.
Two days later, I facilitated a workshop on regret which went into a lot of depth. Everyone, no matter how different their life experience or age, shared feelings of shame, insecurity, regret. Everyone struggled with their relationships in some way. Everyone questioned their worthiness. And I felt a healing over the simple fact that everyone was sharing this side of their lives, and realized this has happened many times before. I have recognized this truth, and then forgotten again, thinking that Iâm alien for it, which reinforces the separateness and increases the shame. Again, they sounded the same.
This reminds me of something a friend put into words that I had never said out loud but I deeply resonated with- when she first arrives at a retreat, she judges everyone, assuming their lives are simple, shallow, perfect, and then a few days go by of being in a place thatâs outside the social norms and niceties, and people start admitting whatâs under the surface. By the end of the retreat, she loves everyone there, understanding exactly why they ever act like an asshole, recognizing our universal humanness which includes pain, confusion, shame. I have experienced this phenomenon as well, and imo, instead of our greatest fears coming true of believing weâll be ostracized for these darker feelings, we are often more loved and connected for it. And then we slowly forget again as we reintegrate back into the regular world and revert again to putting our defenses up and telling the lie.
You could argue that myself and everyone I asked is insane or sensitive or particularly traumatized in some way. But as I get close to anyone I realize their life is much more complex than it seems and that this feeling is somewhere.
When Iâve admitted to having these darker internal experiences more publicly in the past, I've been asked if Iâm okay, Iâve been questioned if Iâm suicidal, which adds to the lie because again it denies that these feelings are a typical part of our human experience. I think itâs true on some level for all of us, and that the lie is upheld for fear of being found out and ostracized.
If this lie doesnât existâŚ
...then why would we take it as normal to do the 10000000 things to distract ourselves from being with our own thoughts?
âŚthen why would people kill themselves that we thought were fine?
âŚthen why would so many people resonate with Brene Brownâs work on Vulnerability?
âŚthen why are we so often fooled into thinking othersâ lives are perfect until the divorce happens or something else breaks down?
Iâd go as far to say that weâre all hiding it, and Iâll go even further by saying that itâs a crime against one another to do so.
The real lie is in believing that voice that says weâre worthless in some way, that if we were fully seen weâd never be fully accepted and loved. And the shame is in pretending as if we donât feel it. Maybe we should stop telling the lie.